Uh-Oh
I just had the most amazing conversation. Naturally, I’ve been thinking a lot about being a parent and have been asking trusted friends with kids what they’ve learned—and are willing to share, with the added request to please not scare the shit out me. This morning I had a chat with a woman whom I admire with everything in me and she told me about the ‘uh-oh’. Long and complex conversation short (I could never do it justice), there are two kinds of learning: perceptual (I’ve been told to eat with a fork and spoon) and experiential (I just touched the stove burner and it’s hot). Apparently even young kids know the feeling of the uh-oh (something I experienced or did isn’t right) and that, as parents, we should encourage our child to feel it, name it (ie: guilt, regret, dread, hurt) and trust it. It’s a powerful way of helping our kids learn what’s right and wrong. As she explains it, the more we rely on our experiential or ‘feeling’ learning, the healthier we are. While this is all well and good for Meep, I couldn’t help relating it to me and my career (perhaps because I haven’t quite stopped living my all-about-me-phase of my life) and apparently…I’m not very healthy.
I have lived my adult life with my business as my focus (often to my detriment). I have a very strong “perceptual” vision and, let’s just say, routine way of doing things. I’ve been doing the same thing, with the same focus, for years. In the last couple of months I’ve been presented with business opportunities that frankly, would have fired me up in the past but are now giving me the uh-ohs. I’ve been attempting to repress the uh-oh with a sense of discomfort and distrust and keep on trudging along with the same perceptual determination I have had for years. But recently something has started to shift in a way that is both undeniable and, as much as I’ve tried, unavoidable. I simply can’t do the things I used to (fly across the country at a moment’s notice, prance around in 4-inch heels, take on assignments that commit me to doing something the week after this baby comes out) but even more importantly—and what I’ve been most reluctant to accept—is that the uh-oh isn’t focused so much on the practical ‘what I can’t do,’ it’s attached to something even scarier…the feeling of ‘I don’t want to do this’ and I hardly recognize myself.
I’ve worked with a lot of women who have very simply experienced the professional uh-oh. The graduate who after investing years and thousands of dollars in law school, starts to practice only to have the sinking feeling this isn’t for her. Or the woman who at 43, working in the same dreaded job for years, has denied the uh-oh by convincing herself it’s just too late in the game to start again. Or the 27-year-old who has a wedding to pay for and rent to cover but who knows in her heart of heart she’s not being treated fairly. Whatever the circumstance, the uh-oh, because it’s based in feeling, can be scary because if you actually sit with and accept it, it means change. But for that very same reason, it’s the best thing that can happen to you.
So here’s the deal: if you have an uh-oh (the feeling that something about your career isn’t quite right) I want to you share it with me at nicole@nicolewilliams.com and as has always been true with my practice, I’m with you and we’re going to figure this out together. We’ll start a little uh-oh club and use our feelings to pave a new way in our career!
January 27th, 2011 at 8:26 am
December 15, 2009, I accepted a job in another department in my company having the same job responsibilities as before. My previous department was being eliminated. From the beginning, I was not too excited about it and I have been in the new position for over a year and still have not found my place here. Actually I hate it beyond anything I’ve ever done before. People kept urging me to take this position instead of going with my original plan to try something else. I could see their concern as this was the time when the economy to a nosedive. But now, I am so ready to leave, I can’t get out fast enough. On paper, the job is really great, and the pay is pretty good, but how I feel about it just sucks!
January 27th, 2011 at 10:04 am
I can’t believe how much this sounds like me and my situation. Just change the date to February 2009. The worst part is that everyone makes a point of telling me how good I have it. What is wrong with people? Yes, the pay is good and yes, the environment is laid back; but why is it so wrong to want more? Is it so wrong to want all of that AND be happy at the same time? I should have left when I had the chance. Now all I can say is “uh-oh!”
January 30th, 2011 at 12:29 pm
I am 32 yrs old with a certificate in Medical Office Administration, since graduated almost 12 yrs ago, I have been in several clerical positions. Since my last position (2yrs 10mths) I had been terminated (such a harsh phase). I have had an “uh-oh”!!! I have two children and want more for myself and children!!! I thinks it time for change in career. I have been thinking of writing a book, and love fashion!! I think its kinda late to start a whole new career path. How can I get out of my same ole, same ole???
February 4th, 2011 at 4:22 pm
I’d like to join the uh-oh club….my life and career (or lack thereof) often feel like one big uh-oh. It’s such a horrible feeling to carry around day in and day out.
February 16th, 2011 at 7:28 pm
I’m pretty sure the “UH-OH” is inevitable for most women out there. I went to college and even a bit beyond, but still focused my 20’s on getting married, getting a home, having SOME KIND of career and having a child by the time I was 30. All achieved. But it’s nearly impossible to explain to anyone without sounding ungrateful that I want more. If someone’s career isn’t affected by kids, then they are incredibly lucky. I want to develop as an artist, but in many ways it’s a selfish career – it will take lots of time away from all my other responsibilities as a mother and a wife. I actually fixed my husband (who is a manager) a dinner of hot dogs on a bun recently because my day was spent with my own work and I was just tapped out. I burst out laughing as I handed it to him. I wanted to be the perfect wife making some fabulous healthy meal, but it just doesn’t happen like that. I did actually turn in a letter of resignation for my job, which although great in many ways, was equally bad in many others. Mainly because in the long run it was just a crutch keeping me from pursuing something I really want – and since I do believe in leading by example – that’s something I want to at least strive to show my kids – that maybe it’s possible to have it all in your own little way and write your own version of a success story.