Dear Ms. Lohan,
Yes, life has been troublesome as of late (ok, as of 2005, right around the time your Mean Girls glimmer started to dim), but I want you to know there’s hope. As a career expert, I’ve seen many a talented woman reinvent their lives and reputations after even the most embarrassing charades. Forget the direct-to-DVD films and the failed music career. Never mind the countless reasons you’ve been fired or let go. I’ll even let you dismiss the whole jail thing once you’ve finished your time.
What I want you to focus on now is being a Girl on Top. What is that you ask? Well, let’s start with what it is not: The Girl on Top persona doesn’t involve complaining and making excuses, there’s no relying on mommy or daddy to bail you out, and it certainly doesn’t include ranting to the press and losing your shit time and time again in front of the paparazzi.
Suffice it to say that what you are now is a Girl on Bottom; vulnerable, desperate and overexposed. But I won’t give up you yet. I’m putting you on a strict regimen during your first few weeks of freedom. Follow these ten rules from my book to a tee and I promise you’ll start to rekindle the old Tina Fey co-starring LiLo the world came to know and love.
1. Play Hard to Get. Let’s face it. You’re not exactly rolling in the deals or the dough these days. And although that’s pretty much public knowledge, that doesn’t mean you can’t be picky about the projects and people you choose to associate yourself with. Directors, magazines, Ms. Ronson…they’ll all pay a little more attention when you start to carry yourself with a little dignity, stop acting desperate, and begin to surround yourself with only those who make you better. The more you whore yourself out to anything and anyone who’ll take you, the less the Lohan brand will be worth.
2. Leave Your Dad Out of It. We all have daddy issues, but generally the rest of us stop using them as an excuse by the time we reach adulthood. You’re 23-years-old now, Linds. Leave him, and the rest of your family, out of your public outcries.
3. Keep Your Mouth Shut. Speaking of public outcries, let’s cut those out all together. We the people have short attention spans. There are only so many controversial headlines, panty incidents, and nasty breakups we can take before we dismiss you as a waste of our precious pop culture brain space. TMI is running rampant in the celeb world, and one of the most strategic things you can do to set yourself apart is master the art of discretion.
4. Don’t Bash Your Ex. Whomever she (or he) may be, talking shit about people with whom you’ve had relationships—professional or personal—makes you look bad. Stop.
5. Get a Life. It’s time to find some new hobbies. (Clubs and coke don’t count.) People who work long and hard hours always have to sacrifice their personal lives to some degree. But there’s a very critical point at which all of your self-sacrifice starts to feel like just that—the sacrifice of your “self.” Who are you without your fame and acting career? I sure as hell have no clue, though I imagine rehab will allow for lots of introspection.
6. Lay Off the Liquor. Speaking of rehab, need I mention that no one likes a drunk? They’re sloppy, high-maintenance, loose-lipped and embarrassing—and unlike your friends and family who aren’t exactly doing a terrific job of holding you accountable, your colleagues really do need to respect you in the morning. Do whatever (and I mean whatever) you have to do to stay sober. I promise, the world will be a much kinder place.
7. Keep the Fire Alive. Despite your efforts to prove this theory wrong, the truth is we are all dispensable. There will always be other prettier, smarter contenders vying for your position. The trick is to maintain your unique spark by continually adding to your repertoire, challenging yourself, and understanding that you’re never to good to be better.
8. Have Others Sing Your Praises. In one quick Google search your name appears in the same sentence as “ankle monitor,” “topless photos,” “dead,” and “Mel Gibson.” You’re in need of some seriously positive PR. Those who tell you “all press is good press” are lying.
9. Don’t Waste the Pretty. We touched on this a bit, but let me reiterate. The people who don’t believe in you, don’t recognize your value, and don’t want what’s truly best for you aren’t worth your time and energy. There are only so many optimal, peak-performing years you’ve got to work with, and you can’t afford to waste your prime on excess baggage you should have thrown out long ago.
10. Be Willing to Walk Away. Our careers are meant to evolve with us. Sometimes, try as we might to make it work with the one we have, we’re meant to move on to something new. Once you’ve accepted that what you want and what you need are two different things, the right opportunities will start to appear.
Call me and we’ll talk.
XO,
NLW
